Question
Is it normal that I beg my 4 year old niece to step on my back and glutes when I am sore ?
Okay, don’t answer that.
One-Up My Index Finger to You
I hate one-uppers.
You know those people who always feel like they can out-do you. Whether it be a funny story— oh they have one even funnier.
Oh you had a long day? Wait till you here about theirs!
Oh your mother died? Welp, their father committed a murderer suicide on their momma!
Oh you had a miscarriage? Try having three!
Oh you don’t feel well? Too bad they just threw up repeatedly in the trash and have a 101 fever.
They have no sympathy for you. They can one-up you on every tale or tribulation or trial. It’s fucking annoying—- but, with that said, please find comfort in knowing that yes, they will always be able to one-up you on everything... and that includes being fucking annoying.
SAD, kickin in full force.
Welp, the first snow of the winter is officially here. Everyone was talking about how the snow is coming this week. It was all over the news stations and all over people’s facebooks and twitter. But I refused to believe it. In fact, I went to the beach Tuesday just to try and convince myself that I could still soak up summer sun. But, sure enough, tonight I was driving home from class and I could slowly see the rain gradually form into slush. Nevertheless, I accelerated my windshield wipers and shaked my head in denial, “it’s not fuckin snow.”
I headed off to yoga and after it was complete and I was all relaxed with a clear, refreshed mind—- I proceeded toward the exit of wonderful LA Fitness. I picked my head up as I slyly swung open the gym doors peering into the dark abyss that lay ahead of me; and that is when my jaw dropped and eyes widened. In one of my most harsh yet most melancholy tones, I frustratingly cried “What the fuck?”
Chills ran up my spine as I had to face the fact that, indeed it was true, the first snowfall symbolizing the start of a long New England winter was here.
I am not looking forward to having to scrap the goddamn snow off my windshield every morning or after every half hour of being parked somewhere. Half the time I can’t even find the scraper so I have to use my hands! And I don’t wanna wait fifteen friggen minutes for my Honda to be at a bearable temperature for me to drive it! I can’t think about all the retards on the road that I will be behind who do not know how to fuckin drive when there are just mere flakes coming down. I refuse to shovel the piles and piles of snow that will inevitably form in my driveway! I’m done with waking up shivering and trying to prepare myself for the torturous cold that exists outside my comfy bed!
That is it! I’ve had enough! I’m taking a stand! NO MORE WINTER. NO MORE SNOW. It’s pitch black when I wake up, and pitch black before I get home. I don’t see the sun and its friggen freezin! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Someone book me an all expense-paid vacation to a warm tropical island. stat.
Your Job is a Joke.
What job do people take way too seriously? I’m talking— to the point where they think they legitimately shit icecream and they are a master of some sort as well as a holy possessor of a God-Given talent or right. The job where they think all the power lies with them…. And, well they do indeed have some power, it is not nearly as much as they think they have.
The job that most certainly requires the lowest intelligence level known to man. With that, it is also a job that is 99.9 percent dominated by the male sex. The job where it is more about intimidation than anything else. The job where customer service goes out the window and personal sexist and prejudice judgment out-rules all. The job where a stick up your ass is necessary in order to be hired.
What job could I be talking about here?
A bouncer.
Bouncers and I have not exactly been getting along lately. Roided out dooshbags that post up outside the club and believe they have the final say on everything really don’t sit well with me. So what if I’m drunk? I’m not going to vom all over your fuckin club—- and you know what? It is not even your fuckin club so stop tryin to act like your some almighty manager or club owner. You are a fuckin bouncer.
Even the name bouncer just sounds fuckin gay. “I’m a bouncer” …. wow your employment name is so BA… “bouncer,” cousin to Tigger— your best friend Winnie the Pooh too?
Sometimes I wonder if the bouncers drink on the job. Cause some of the female species they decide to let enter “their” club look like whitetrash. I’m not talkin sexy, skin-tight pleather skirt, sometimes-classy-when-sober white recycled goods.. I’m talkin nasty-ass, half-naked, pudgy, wanna-be-slutty, will-put-out-for-a-shot-of-house-vodka, white trailer park—- > trash.
So if I’m standing in line and I see those bitches get to stagger up to the front and get in before me… I will proceed to cause a scene. Get your shit together Mr. Bouncer.
Also, don’t speak to me condescendingly just because I may have kicked a few too many back and am streamlining mascara down my face due to my tears. Let me explain my God-damn self. Don’t just nod and fuckin escort me out and refuse to acknowledge my side of the story. FREEDOM OF SPEECH! You ever heard of that? I SHOULDN’T BE KICKED OUT ! God dammit!
All in all, you look like the fuckin Wwarner Brother’s rooster cartoon and you are a disrespectul, judgmental, power-hungry, dooshbag and I hope you misread an ID one night and get fuckin fired for letting a 12 yr old slut in “YOUR” club.
#singlegirlproblems
… too funny.
Having serious summer withdrawals.
This commercial kills me.
By the time the weekend rolls around after an exhausting and packed work-week
most say, “I need a fuckin’ drink;”
I, on the other hand, say “I need some fuckin’ icecream.”
Thank you MarketBasket for your sale on Brighams.
Shoulda Gave Her a Detention.
The Firedrill today was a bit chaotic. It may have been a “fake fire”, but I was fuming afterwards. In the hall stairs, among a sea full of 6th graders, these 7th or 8th grade bitches decided to stampede past while pushing others. One proceeded to try (I say try, because no fuckn middle school twat is gonna knock me over) to shove me. I fired back at her verbally, “Excuse me, you need to stop pushing, that is inappropriate behavior!” She laughed in my face and goes “Haha, what grade are you in?”
“I’m a teacher here” I replied. Her jaw dropped.
